Happy Holidays!!

Hey all i know the last update was a little bit on the rocky side... But i am doing much better! I have found a place in my heart that makes me happy! I have found that i need to make myself happy and i am on the road... first start is my weight loss journey I have a first goal which is to lose 50lbs by june. :) I know i can do this. I have my heart set on it and my mind set has changed as well.. so this is going to be a great journey and one that i am excited to take... :) and i have the love and support of my family and true friends .. so i am ready and taking the jump.. and even with the holidays and everything i know that i will make it through and reach all my goals and be sooooooo much happier with myself.

On another note.. my boyfriend decided to go and get the Droid tonight... butthead.. so jealous... lol... i want it.. and my brother has it.. oh yeah and did i mention my sister in law has hers coming to her as well... all of them suck.. haha jk i love them all.. and im glad they get to enjoy the things..

Anyways i am very excited for the holidays... I get to start earlier than normal i am actually starting next friday with christmas at my dads... with my Dad and step mom and brothers.. well shawn and topher.. and matt too... but of course they wont get there gifts till christmas at my moms... But my Dad and Linda of course will get theres!

Then of course christmas eve going to midnight mass with the family! :) and matt is staying at my moms with me so we can have our christmas with the family! Family Christmas with my grandparents and aunts and uncles is jan 1 so im excited to get to go see them and have Matt come with and spend time with the family.. and then later on in jan we are doing christmas with his family.. or whenever they decide ... haha the date keeps changing....

Hope you all have a blessed and happy holiday season! May God Bless you all in every way! :)

lots of love!

fed up... and done ...

Sometimes i wonder why i am here, what is my purpose.. i feel like i have let so many people down in my life.. and that i just cant live up to what everyone expects of me... as much as i try and try to be what they want its like i just cant.... and its like should i even have to try to live up to their standards or just my own.... i want to make them happy but at what cost... i want to do what i want.. i want to be able to reach my goals because i want them not because they want them for me... i mean yeah if they support me thats great.. but i dont want to do something just because they want me too. i am sick an tired of being someone im not.. i want what i want.. screw what other people think of what i want.. deal with it.. if you love me and want me to be happy then let me go after my own dreams..... okay.. just let me be happy and follow my heart and go after my dreams and not the ones u have for me... AHHHHHHH im done please everyone else.. its time for me to be happy and do what i want to... darnit... i will do what makes me happy forget the rest... starting right now.. I am going to do what makes me happy forget what anyone else thinks.. i need to come first for once in my life...

Frustrated

Urgh.. i feel like i am being ignored and treated like something or someone im not... i hate this... i feel like the one person that i want to want to talk to me just doesnt seem like he wants to anymore.. or that i did something wrong... or that he is sick of me... im not saying that any of that is true.. just how im feeling... it just seems like things are going in the wrong direction.. i feel a little empty... like a part of me is missing again... i wish i knew how to fill the hole... i wish someone knew that they are making me feel this way... which is not who i am... blah.. i just want to run away from it all and start over again... i want to feel wanted and feel secure with decisions that get mad... and thats not always the case.. this life is a struggle... and one that i have to face... with someone or without.. either way i have to face everything.... i have to believe that i can be what i want to be. there is not stopping me from that... except that i think if i try to be more me then i will be less what they want me to be... and makes me just wanna cry when i think about it.. .i want to be happy and loved and free to be me... i feel like sometimes i hold back from who i want to be... just because i dont want to cause problems.. cause i hate causing any problems with anyone.... URGH.. enough is enough... theres things i cant talk about on here.. cause well that would just start problems that i dont need... so i guess thats all im gonna say for now.... URGH!!

on another note.. Happy Thanksgiving to you all....

pissed and venting

i am frustrated and having a horrible day... I am just ready to leave it all behind me and start an new life... Its like i cant make anyone happy... and if i try i fail, and miserably at that... :( this is just stupid... I wish people would show me they care a little more... i know who my true friends are tonight... didnt think it would come to this but it has... at least i have some who care and i know they care... my heart aches and feels so empty and lost... i just wanna be happy... truly... will that day ever come... can i trust without being betrayed, can i love without getting hurt... who knows... i put myself out there on the line and seems like it gets snapped every time.. its a never ending cycle lately.. URGH.... enough is enough.. im so fed up and done.. i feel like im getting walked all over.. and used and abused.. and i just put up with it.. like hey its my life why shouldnt this shit happen to me.... its so confusing ... life and everything in it... AHHH just have to vent a little bit... im done for now...

Time for a new start

So its been a while... things for me have been a struggle... I am trying to focus on my goals and what i want and not let anything get in the way.. not exactly easy for me to do.. i tend to put everyone else first in my life ... i am back in school.. full time.. which is a great start for me.. i am going for my second bachelors ... this time in the Arts... then hopefully in two years i will be able to go get my masters... thats still kinda up for debate at the moment.. im not sure yet... there are so many things i want to do... im thinking about going to school to become a pastry chef also.. i think that would be so much fun and amazing to be able to create such amazing pieces of art...

I have been with my bf for about 9 months now... its been a journey ... hasnt been easy... but worth it.. i love him... there are days i feel like he's not really there with me.. and other days feels like he never left.... its hard to know... but just like any relationship it takes work and dedication.

I have been working out more.. which is so good for me.. i have a lot more energy and more confidence when i do... so its been something ive been working on to go more and more often.. as well as eating healthier.. which also makes me feel better.. :)

Lately i have really been missing my girlfriends who live back east... :( its sad. its hard cause my best friends live a billion miles away from me... so i cant just call them and say hey lets go do something... its hard for me... i really dont have any girl friends in town.. the closet is still about an hour away... i hate it.. but its life... and we all grow up and move on... or so ive been told.. but i still at least can text them and talk thru facebook and all that stuff...

i just wanna be moving forward in life... and sometimes feels like im falling backwards instead... just wanna find that road to take ... the right one to where im going in life... finding the truth in my happiness and future... life is a journey... its a climb... its a struggle.. its a path that you will always search for something better... i am gonna strive to just enjoy the path i am on and the one i follow...

over the weekend...

Hey again... so this past weekend on went on a hike for fathers day with my stepfather mom brother jessica and my bf we went up to cascade head and the view was amazing.. :) and it didnt start raining on us until we were almost to the top... go figure.. but it was worth the hike.. the view of the ocean was just breath taking.. so full of life and just peaceful and im so thankful i got to spend it with family.. :)

i also went to the balloon festival in tigard.. we took matts niece hannah.. and went on a few rides had an elephant ear and made it there to see the balloons lit up but they didnt stay up for very long.. which was odd.. but i could understand why with the wind blowing an everything else.. then we took hannah to red robin for some dinner.. she was so tired she fell asleep on the bench...

All in all not to bad of a weekend.. :) looking forward to spending more time getting outdoors this summer.. i cant wait or my family camping trip next month at the coast.. get to see all my family and cousins.. :) its probably one of my favorite things i look forward to ever year.. :)

weekend...

So this weekend i spent time helping set up for one of my moms co-workers 80th birthday party which was on saturday and was so happy to see that so many people came out and helped her celebrate! She is truly an amazing person. 

on friday night i went to pizza with matt's parents and his cousins family as well.. nothing to exciting to report just family bonding... 

on saturday i went to rubys birthday party for a little while and helped her celebrate. 

then matt took me with him out to his uncles house for more family bonding.. lots of people i dont know... it was a bit awkward for me.. but i know that he was enjoying himself and spending time with his relatives so thats whats important... we sat by the fire for a little bit.. and i just listened to them talk. i did at one point push some of the kids on the merry-go-round talk about getting dizy watching that thing spin... oh my... 

today is sunday.. the last day of the weekend.. and im supposed to be going with matt out to his grandparents house for another family bbq that starts at 1 and yet it is one.. so im not really sure whats going on.... but oh well.. just gonna try and enjoy the day... before having to go back to work tomorrow.. 

on an up note im excited for family camping and getting to see all of my family and spend time with my cousins and just have fun!! :) 

well thats all for now...